How to Help a Friend with a Mental Health Condition

Living with a mental health condition is tough - really tough - but being friends with someone who has mental health difficulties can also be tricky. When they're going through hard times, we may not know what to say. We might be unprepared for how much energy or support our friend needs. We want them to get better, but our best efforts don't seem to work.

Today, Megan Potts explores how you can help a friend with a mental health condition in four simple steps. They include what to say (and what not to say) and how to show support without being controlling or dismissive.

As someone who struggles with several chronic mental illnesses, I often struggle to maintain friendships. If I’m honest, I’m not always the best friend in the world.

After some contemplation, I've realised that my strongest friendships are with those who show me consistent patience and kindness. Particularly when I find myself engaged in an internalised battle.

My longest-standing friends tend to be people with their own personal experiences of mental illness. Perhaps they understand what I need because they've fought similar battles.

We have zero expectations of each other. We recognise we may not be in contact daily because living with mental health conditions can be draining. We also know the other person may need our support on any given day.

I've narrowed it down to four reasons why I get along so well with the few friends I have left. It also highlighted why other friendships have not stood the test of time.

4 ways to help a friend with a mental health condition

1. Validate them

Despite having had a decade to come to terms with my mental health conditions, I still battle an awful lot of internalised mental health stigma. I'm always telling myself to stop letting some things affect me so much. Unfortunately, many people with no experience of mental illness are too keen to tell me the same. Peers often tell me that I'm overreacting to (something they see as) "a minor setback."

But if you want to help a friend struggling with their mental health, step into their shoes for a second and try to understand where they’re coming from. The friends who understand my thought process will listen to me venting about a situation and say, “Yeah, that sounds really tough”.

It’s a relief. That validation of my feelings starts me on the track to feeling calmer because it means I’m not going “crazy”. Somebody gets it, and they're telling me that my feelings are okay and that they’re not “wrong” or “disproportionate” at all.

2. Encourage them to find solutions, offering input if asked

After an (apparently) “disproportionate” reaction to a “minor setback”, some people will trot out this overused and unhelpful phrase: “Pull yourself together!”

This is always a fun one because it inevitably sends me spiralling further into a panic. After hearing this, I guarantee I'll spend the night lying awake in bed, beating myself up and crying because why can't I pull myself together? Why can't I simply get on with my life?

In contrast, other friends will offer encouragement such as: "I know you can figure out what you need to do in this situation.”

They don’t tell me what they believe I should be doing, and that’s key. Instead, they leave the ball in my court.

Sometimes, they'll suggest that a professional therapist could help with a specific mental health setback while also assuring me that they still want to listen.

Other times, they’ll offer helpful advice on figuring out what to do, like making a list of the pros and cons of each possible solution to my dilemma. If they have the time, they might even sit and help me tease apart the pros and cons, enabling me to elaborate on each point and helping me to find my words when I come up against a brain block.

3. Show compassion

I often feel silenced by some people. “If you’re not going to help yourself, why should I help you?” they might say. A statement like this will leave me floundering. I don't know where to turn. I can't sleep with all the stress. I end up hiding from the issue altogether. There's a good chance I'll end up in a mental health crisis.

Compassion and support are vital to help a friend with a mental health condition. My true friends – those who have offered validation and encouragement – often prevent me from spiralling into a crisis. They tell me they'll be by my side no matter what happens. They let me know that I’m not going through this alone. Not as long as we’re friends.

They'll call me if I need a distraction, and we’ll talk about silly, arbitrary things. I’ll laugh, whereas before I picked up the phone, I couldn't breathe with all the crying and panicking. If I need to scream, shout, and vent, they'll let me do so, whether over a phone call or by text. I no longer feel like I have to bottle up my frustrations.

Eventually, they’ll ask what can be realistically done about the issue at (usually in my case) such an early hour. “Nothing”, I’ll say.

It can wait until we've finished talking and I've calmed down enough to sleep. We'll talk until our eyes can't stay open any longer. I'll start the next day (fairly) well-rested and with a more rational outlook.

4. Share your struggles and wins, too. Friendship is a two-way street!

If you can’t find the strength to help a friend in a particular moment, try not to ignore them. It’s important to let them know how you’re feeling, too. Knowing I'm not the only one struggling can make me feel better or help me focus my thoughts. I think it’s because it helps to dispel the illusion of isolation that can come with regularly being on the brink of a mental health crisis.

I also tend to be understanding when a friend doesn't have the spoons to listen to my problems because I don't always have the capacity to listen to theirs. Nobody can pour from an empty vessel, so looking after ourselves in times of crisis has to take priority. We mustn't neglect our own health in favour of somebody else's. In the long run, that doesn't help anybody.

And remember to tell us about the good things happening in your life. Although we may be sad or panicked at times, we don't view our friends as free therapists. If you've got good things going on, we want to congratulate you!

The takeaway

It may not be always easy to help a friend with a mental health condition, but it's not impossible.

Alter your perceptions and put yourself in their shoes.

Take the time to listen to their fears. Try to understand why they’re panicking, but accept that they won't always be able to explain why. Guide them rather than instruct them. Please give them a safe space to express their feelings, where they don't need to worry about judgment.

Mental health crisis lines (UK)

999

Call 999 or go to A&E immediately if you or someone else's life is at risk:

• You or they have seriously injured themselves
• You or they have taken an overdose
• You don't feel like you can keep yourself or someone else safe

Mental health emergencies will be taken as seriously as physical ones. You will not be wasting anyone's time.

111

If you need urgent help for a mental health crisis, call 111 and select the mental health option. Or you can try 111 online.

Samaritans

Samaritans have offered emotional support to callers struggling to cope for over 70 years.

Support Forum: Samaritans
Telephone: 116 123. Lines are open 24/7, 365 days a year.
Email: jo@samaritans.org. Please note that a reply via email may take several days.

Rethink Mental Illness

Rethink Mental Illness supports individuals affected by severe mental illnesses like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, helping them improve their quality of life through services, assistance, and advocacy for greater awareness and understanding.

Support Forum: www.rethink.org
National Advice Service: 0300 5000 927 (Open 9:30am to 4pm, Monday to Friday)
Email: advice@rethink.org

SANE

SANE services provide practical help, emotional support and specialist information to individuals affected by mental health problems, their family, friends and carers.

Support Forum: www.sane.org.uk
Saneline: 0300 304 7000 (4pm to 10pm, 365 days a year)
Textcare: https://www.sane.org.uk/how-we-help/emotional-support/textcare
Email support: support@sane.org.uk. Emails are responded to individually, with a response within 72 hours.

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Date of preparation: October 2024
D: COB-GB-NP-00546 (V1.0) / T: COB-GB-NP-00548 (V1.0) / M: COB-GB-NP-00547 (V1.0)