My Stay in a Psychiatric Ward Reminded Me How Much My Family Support and Value Me

Convinced her family and friends needed to be shielded from the “awful truth” of her depression, René Brooks would slap a smile on her face and concentrate on getting through the day. But when her depression reached crisis levels and resulted in a hospital stay, René soon realised how much her family wanted to be there for her.

I hit rock bottom in the back of an ambulance on a chilly winter morning in 2013. From the ambulance windows, I watched the mountains of Pennsylvania roll by.

I had checked myself into the Emergency Room (ER, the US equivalent of A&E) a short time ago. Now, I was buckled in and making small talk with the emergency medical technician (EMT) as I was transported to a mental health hospital two hours away.

"Well, this is a new low for you," I thought cynically. "But at least the conversation isn't boring."

Between occasional pleasantries with the EMT, I was repeatedly questioning myself. How did I let the depression get this bad? Why wasn't I more careful? How would I ever be able to look myself in the face again? What would my family think?

When I decided to seek help that night, I knew I'd have to do something I'd been dreading. I'd have to come clean to my family about how bad things had become.

I was unprepared for what happened when I did.

Hiding my depression in plain sight

I'm pretty open about my depression, which can be unusual in some circles. But even though I talked about depression, I always tried to put a positive spin on it, like a daytime TV presenter.

Yes, I was depressed – but I made it look like a light, sunshiny, cheerful version of depressed. I always slapped a smile on things, distracting my thoughts from asking difficult questions or making pressing points.

It was my way of coping. Inside, I felt like life had handed me a terrible school report, and I had to explain my poor performance to everyone.

But back then, I treated my mental health with as much seriousness as one would treat the odd twinge in their knee. My coping mechanism was to take my prescription, keep moving, and smile. And to always hope the next day would be better.

My depression bubbled up to crisis levels

As time passed, getting better seemed to become more of a pipe dream. The weight of my life and its endless housework, responsibilities, and family obligations kept weighing heavier and heavier on me.

I felt buried under piles of to-do lists. Every unticked task reminded me of the ways I was falling short. I would wake up and feel the resentment set in immediately.

The night I drove to the ER wasn't so different from every other night. That night, however, I knew my thoughts of self-harm had progressed from a wistful wish to a genuine possibility.

Have you ever known when something was about to turn really bad? That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, the hypervigilance, and the fear of something coming, even though you don't know what yet?

For the first time, I was depressed enough to scare myself. I wasn't sure I wouldn't do something awful out of desperation if I didn't get help.

I decided to ask for urgent mental health help

I announced to my then-husband that I was going to check myself into the hospital. My voice had the same tone as announcing a trip to the supermarket or a dog walk.

The process of checking into the ER was easy enough. You tell people you're there because you're actively suicidal with a plan and the means to complete it. They tend to take you seriously. All I had to do was wait for a room.

Unfortunately, the only room available was 2 hours away, in a facility up in the woods, bringing us back to the ambulance ride.

I asked the EMT if things would be okay. He said he hoped they would. We both watched the mountains disappearing in the distance.

I finally realised how much my family cared about me

I didn't know what lay ahead of me when I checked into the psychiatric hospital. The one thing I didn't expect was the one thing I got: visitors.

According to the nurse, people wanted to see me. I expected my spouse with a suitcase and a few words.

Instead, I found my entire family. My mom, my dad, and my other mother were all there. Even my husband, although he was reluctant to hang around.

I expected judgment and shaming. Instead, my family embraced me. They told me they were proud of me. That they knew I'd get well.

They brought me clean clothes and toiletries. They sat and smiled and talked with me until visiting time ended.

I thought about this as I lay in my bed, showered clean and in fresh clothes.

Maybe I should have been running to my family instead of trying to shield them from my awful truth. These were the people who cared and had shown up for me, and they'd even dragged my (soon-to-be-ex) husband with them.

I'd reached my lowest of lows, in a psychiatric ward for my depression, and afraid of my family judging my mental health at the end of a phone line.

Instead, my family – the people who loved me best – had rushed to see me and bought my favourite comfy clothes.

I finally saw what I needed to see: how much my family members value me. How much they support my mental wellness and recovery - even when I struggle to see it for myself.

Recognising when you need help

Depression is the number one condition linked to suicide. Get help immediately if you or someone you know ever has any of the following suicide or crisis warning signs:

• talking about, thinking about, or looking for ways to kill yourself
• feeling hopeless or like you have no reason to live
• feeling trapped or like you're a burden to others
• experiencing unbearable pain
• increased alcohol and drug use
• withdrawing from people or activities
• sleeping too much
• sudden mood swings, including anger, agitation, irritability, shame, or aggression

Emergency and general support should always be available. The following crisis hotlines may help:

999 – Emergency

Call 999 or go to A&E immediately if:

• You or a loved one are seriously injured
• You or a loved one have taken an overdose
• You don't feel like you can keep yourself or someone else safe

A mental health emergency is taken as seriously as a physical one, so please don't think you are wasting anyone's time.

112 – Emergency

Calling this number will connect you to the same services as 999.

111 - NHS

If you or a loved one aren't in immediate danger, you can still ask for urgent help. Call 111 and select the mental health option. Or you can try 111 online.

Samaritans

Support Forum: Samaritans
Telephone: 116 123. Lines are open 24/7, 365 days a year.
Email: jo@samaritans.org. Please note that an email reply may take a few days.

Rethink Mental Illness

Rethink Mental Illness supports those with severe mental illnesses like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.

Support Forum: www.rethink.org
National Advice Service: 0300 5000 927 (Open 9:30am to 4pm, Monday to Friday)
Email: advice@rethink.org

SANE

SANE services provide practical and emotional support to those affected by mental health problems, their family, friends, and carers.

Support Forum: www.sane.org.uk
Saneline: 0300 304 7000 (4pm to 10pm, 365 days a year) Textcare: https://www.sane.org.uk/how-we-help/emotional-support/textcare
Email support: support@sane.org.uk. Emails receive individual responses, with a reply within 72 hours.

Getting help changed my life. I didn't know how much I was loved or who'd show up to support me if I gave them the chance. Let the people in your life show up for you, too.

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Date of preparation: October 2024
D: COB-GB-NP-00522 (V1.0) / T: COB-GB-NP-00524 (V1.0) / M: COB-GB-NP-00523 (V1.0)