What Not to Say to Someone with Depression (and 7 Things to Say Instead)

When someone close to us is depressed, we instinctively want to make them (and us) feel better as soon as possible. We may try to reassure them by saying things aren't that bad, sharing a relatable story, or pointing out the nice things in their life. While your heart is in the right place, these are actually examples of what not to say to someone with depression.

Managing depression is more nuanced than cheering someone up after a bad day. Today, Adam Weitz shares eight things to avoid saying to a loved one with depression and seven things you can say instead.

There has been a big push to destigmatise depression and mental illness in the last decade or so. In 2017, the World Health Organization (WHO) devoted their annual World Health Day to depression and suicide awareness around the globe with its "Depression: Let's Talk" campaign.

Then, in 2019, the National Health Service (NHS) launched Every Mind Matters. These large-scale initiatives are vital for bringing attention to a condition affecting 280 million people worldwide.

But despite an uptick in mental health awareness, there is still a long way to go. According to a 2024 survey by Mind, 51% of people in the UK still believe there's "a lot" of shame associated with mental health conditions. Alarmingly, 12% of respondents said that people living with a mental health condition should be ashamed of their illness.

Even though we've made gains in recent years, our culture still struggles with how to talk about depression and mental illness. 48% of people in the same Mind UK survey think that depression still has a fair amount of shame attached to it.

In my experience, some of that shame comes from people not knowing how to communicate with someone dealing with this condition.

When talking about depression or any chronic illness, the language we use matters. Even with the best intentions, things that might seem motivational can be uninformed, hurtful, or dismissive.

These conversations can be awkward, but don't let that scare you away from talking to a friend or loved one about their depression.

To help guide you, here are my recommendations of what not to say to someone with depression. We'll also unpack some ways you can support your loved one with sensitivity.

8 examples of what NOT to say to someone with depression

1. "It's all in your head"

Many people with depression hear this all too often.

"It's all in your head" can mean a million different things, depending on the context and who's saying it. That said, it's unlikely to be construed as positive. To us, it says one or more of the following:

• We're creating problems for ourselves when they don't exist
• We're so "determined" to be depressed that we've made ourselves so
• We may have problems, but they're not a big deal, or they're not as bad as we think
• That we may have problems, but we haven't thought of ways to solve them

It's a classic example of what not to say to someone with depression, and please don't make the mistake of shrugging off your loved one's illness.

According to Mind UK's mental health statistics, 3% of people in England are living with depression in any given week. That figure climbs to 7.8% for mixed depression and anxiety. Globally, 300 million people are estimated to live with a major depressive disorder (4.4% of the population).

So, if you think depression may be psychosomatic, please learn more about the different types of depression and how they affect the people living with it.

What you discover might surprise you, but it will make you more aware of someone's condition and how to support them better.

2. "I was depressed once, and…"

Oh, you were, huh?

Of course, I'm not saying you can't ever talk about your experience with depression if someone close to you is living with it. After all, we often "story swap" to explore and learn from similar experiences, to seek out people who understand us, and to form mutual bonds.

Sometimes, though, self-disclosure isn't helpful. You may be well-meaning and want the person with depression to feel "seen." But your eagerness to swap "relatable" stories may push the other person away or discourage them from speaking up.

The worst of these self-disclosure stories are the false equivalences. I've had my depression compared to grief over loved ones dying, losing a job, feeling sad when it rains, and it gets even more ridiculous from there. Clinical depression is more than feeling bummed out and different to grieving a loss. Professionals characterise depression by persistent sadness, hopelessness, and worthlessness that don't go away on their own.

Here's another example of what not to say to someone with depression… somebody once compared my illness to the time their favourite sports team lost a big game. It's not the same thing, and it's not helpful.

Other times, self-disclosure stories only serve to one-up someone or disregard their feelings. Like, "My depression was much worse than yours, and I had more legitimate reasons for it."

It's not a competition.

3. "There are a lot of people worse off than you" or "You have many reasons to be grateful"

I speak for everyone with depression when I say, "Yeah, we know."

We know that other people are struggling and facing real hardship. But making comparisons isn't helpful. It's dismissive and won't change the fact that they're still depressed.

We often feel even more worthless and guilty because we know we "should" be happy, but we aren't.

4. "But it's such a beautiful day!"

Depression distorts the way you experience the world around you. All the sunshine and blue skies outside the window won't make these thoughts and feelings vanish.

Reminding me what's great about today is another reminder that I'm not happy, and that's extra guilt I don't need.

5. "Happiness is a choice"

Okay, by that logic, then so is being cancer-free.

You don't get to choose the genetic makeup of your body. You also can't force your brain to have the right amounts of neurotransmitters. You have no control over whether you end up with clinical depression.

If it were that easy to overcome depression, we'd all jump on that choice. Believe me.

6. "You should/You need to…"

Many people have a compelling desire to fix things or offer advice to show support. But unsolicited advice can often do more harm than good.

Unless you're a medical professional, the "miracle cures" you've heard or read about are most likely ineffective or dangerous. If one does work wonders for someone, you must remember that depression and its treatment are not one-size-fits-all.

Just support us in finding the help we need. It's helpful when my friends and family are active and encouraging about my recovery, without judgement on how I and my healthcare team are approaching it.

7. "I thought you were stronger"

"Toughen up" and other tough-love comments are exactly what NOT to say to people with depression, and they infuriate me. They assume that depression is a weakness that we could push through if only we were stronger.

Let me tell you - I've been working with people with depression for over a decade. I can say without any doubt that we're some of the toughest people I've ever met.

8. "You don't look depressed" or "You're not one of those people"

Depression doesn't look any one way. We're not all crying into our ice cream as we binge-watch daytime TV.

It's deeper than tears, and our pain is often beyond expression.

What you CAN say to support someone with depression

The most important thing you can do to support someone with depression is to listen and educate yourself about the realities of the illness. Opening up about depression is no easy task, and uninformed comments can further the stigma that prevents many of us from seeking help.

When you have depression, your perception of yourself becomes distorted. You think you're a burden, nobody loves you, you have no value, and everyone would be better off if you weren't around. Worse, you hear these daily on an endless loop in your mind. The lies become so ingrained in your psyche that you believe they're true.

Some of the best things you can say to your loved one revolve around proving those horrible lies wrong. Though it can be hard to find the right words, here are some examples of what to say to someone who's depressed:

1.  You're not alone.
2.  You matter.
3.  You're important.
4. I care.
5. I'm glad you're here.
6. I'm not giving up on you.
7.  You're never a burden.

Depression is very nuanced in that it's unique to each person. This is why speaking to a specialist is so important. What works for me doesn't work for my friends with depression, and what triggers me doesn't trigger them.

That's why listening is so vital in your relationship. The more you listen, the more you learn about someone's unique circumstances. And that's where you can start to make a positive impact.

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Date of preparation: October 2024
D: COB-GB-NP-00510 (V1.0) / T: COB-GB-NP-00512 (V1.0) / M: COB-GB-NP-00511 (V1.0)