What to Say to Mums Struggling with their Mental Health

Many mums struggling with their mental health are terrified of negatively affecting their children or "doing everything wrong." These fears may turn into long-term guilt or even contribute to a mental health crisis. But, with the proper support, many mums with pre-existing mental health conditions can provide love, safety, and stability for their families.

Megan Potts struggled with her mental health before becoming a mum and with postnatal depression afterwards. Eventually, she suffered a severe emotional breakdown. Now in a better place, Megan shares 4 supportive things her friends and family said that helped her through the harder days.

Life as a mum has its ups and downs - whether due to postnatal depression or the general stress that can come with raising a child. As a mum who’s struggled with my mental health on occasion, I've had to get better at monitoring my emotional well-being - and very quickly! I've also faced my fair share of the all-too-common "mum guilt."

I suffered a severe emotional breakdown as a new mum; my daughter was four months old. A few years have passed since then, and I've spoken to some of the people who kept me safe when I was in a mental health crisis. I've even talked to one of the police officers who saw me at my lowest point.

The conversation was emotional, and the police officer said some things I needed to hear. Support for mums struggling with their mental health is important. Many of us hide our issues to avoid judgment, meaning we struggle alone.

So, I will share four validating things people said to me when I needed them most. I hope they reach some mums who need to hear them today!

4 supportive things to say to mums struggling with their mental health

1. "Your children are happy they have you!"

Postnatal depression and other mental health problems led to me having an emotional breakdown as a new mum. Getting the mental health support that I needed meant I was absent from my daughter's life for almost a month.

As any parent knows, small children grow and change in the space of a month. I felt overwhelmed with guilt for missing my daughter growing up.

When the police officer said, "They don't know you've been gone - they're happy they have you now!" to me a couple of years ago, these words unleashed a year's worth of built-up remorse, and I burst into tears.

It was an emotional moment, but I finally felt the shame being lifted off my shoulders. It was an emotional moment, but I finally felt the shame being lifted off my shoulders. Often, mums who struggle with their mental health feel like they're "not good enough" or are "doing everything wrong." Even when they're tying themselves into knots to do their best!

Likewise, so many parents feel guilty for temporarily leaving their child - whether it's due to an emotional breakdown, like mine, going back to work, or even having a few hours away for a date night.

Your child will miss you, but you're back now. And you'll keep coming back when you need to go away again.

2. "You're a good person"

During my mental health setback, I was aggressive and rude to an awful lot of people. I spent a year after recovery apologising and letting people know that my daughter and I are doing well.

I don't think anyone took my behaviour too badly. Still, it helped to hear that I'm not a terrible person.

It's reassuring to know I'm not the worst of my illness. People don't jump to my past when they see me. It's helped me combat guilt over my mental state at that time.

When we're stressed, exhausted, hormonal, and possibly suffering from an illness like postnatal depression, it won't take much to make us snappy or irritable. If you blow up (as we all do sometimes), apologise when you can, and don't ruminate on past conflicts. You're not a terrible person for going through a difficult time.

3. "You're a good mum"

When I was pregnant, far too many people told me I was "being irresponsible." As a society, we’re making an effort to understand conditions such as postnatal depression, but shaming people for their mental health issues is still fairly common. As a mum who struggled with her mental health before having a child, I was told I was being “selfish” for having children.

When I was in crisis mode, their words echoed in my head. I would walk the streets in the middle of the night, convinced I was reckless, even cruel, for being a mum with mental illness and inflicting "me" on a child.

Even now, it helps to remind me now and then that parents with mental health problems can provide the nurture, love, and care that a child needs. I've struggled and may struggle again, but I am a fantastic mum to my daughter.

4. "I'm sorry"

The first people to say "sorry" don't often need to apologise. Still, their words aren't any less meaningful.

This short phrase means that someone has recognised my pain. And, while they aren't responsible for it, they understand my right to feel it. That means a lot.

The takeaway

Support for a parent with mental illness can come in many forms. While there isn't a "magic pill" to make me, or others in the same boat, feel better instantly, these gentle affirmations helped me when I needed them most. They gave me reassurance, validation, and hope for the future. Nothing the police officer said made me feel shame or guilt about my past.

I have a beautiful, happy, healthy child. Other people haven't raised her. I have been her parent biologically and emotionally, except for one month when she was young. Her smile alone proves that mums who may struggle with their mental health can still provide the safe, loving care their children need.

I've done an excellent job, as have countless other mums with mental illnesses.

These are the things I needed to hear – could you, or someone you know, benefit from the same?

Mental health crisis lines (UK)

999

Call 999 or go to A&E immediately if you or someone else's life is at risk:

• You or they have seriously injured themselves
• You or they have taken an overdose
• You don't feel like you can keep yourself or someone else safe

Mental health emergencies will be taken as seriously as physical ones. You will not be wasting anyone's time.

111

If you need urgent help for a mental health crisis, call 111 and select the mental health option. Or you can try 111 online.

Samaritans

Samaritans have offered emotional support to callers struggling to cope for over 70 years.
Support Forum: Samaritans
Telephone: 116 123. Lines are open 24/7, 365 days a year.
Email: jo@samaritans.org. Please note that a reply via email may take several days.

Rethink Mental Illness

Rethink Mental Illness supports individuals affected by severe mental illnesses like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, helping them improve their quality of life through services, assistance, and advocacy for greater awareness and understanding.
Support Forum: www.rethink.org
National Advice Service: 0300 5000 927 (Open 9:30am to 4pm, Monday to Friday)
Email: advice@rethink.org

SANE

SANE services provide practical help, emotional support and specialist information to individuals affected by mental health problems, their family, friends and carers.
Support Forum: www.sane.org.uk
Saneline: 0300 304 7000 (4pm to 10pm, 365 days a year)
Textcare: https://www.sane.org.uk/how-we-help/emotional-support/textcare
Email support: support@sane.org.uk. Emails are responded to individually, with a response within 72 hours.

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Date of preparation: October 2024
D: COB-GB-NP-00543 (V1.0) / T: COB-GB-NP-00545 (V1.0) / M: COB-GB-NP-00544 (V1.0)